Wanting. Getting. But in the end not happy.

Since its been a months since my last blog I thought that its about time that I write a new one.

Its amazing how troubled one person can become with their own thoughts. But add others in to it and it gets even more confusing. I don't mean the thoughts of what someone thinks of a song, cake, football team or even diet coke. Its also amazing that people say if I have that I'll be happy, or if I have that my life will be complete. But will it? Truthfully? There's been times in my life when I've been like that. Like in May when all I wanted to do was get in to UCLAN to do my top up, that's all I wanted.

In June I was ruled out of sport and all I wanted to do was recover as quickly as possible to go and play cricket again, later on that year I had a minor health scare and all I wanted to do was to get the results back as quickly as possible. The downside was when I had recovered I still couldn't play and even when I got the results back I still wasn't happy. Just momentarily satisfied.

If we take sport again all I wanted was for my team Mansfield town to win the league to regain league status however how long does bragging rights of winning the league count for? Even then after they won the league my focus switched to can we stay in the league. So once again, wanting getting but in the end not happy.

There have been so many events in my life where I’ve wanted something but not been happy afterwards. But all the way through this there has been one person who has helped to guide me. Jesus. He’s done some wonderful things in my life its unreal. He guided me after my granddads death, he guided me after I got rejected from university twice, he’s helped me to get through times and problems that without him wouldn’t of been possible.

He is certainly one area of my life that I've wanted, got and certainly been happy afterwards.

Last week I had a job interview, it came up with a difficult decision. Either find the job and stay in Nottingham or go back to Preston for another years studying. I know now which one I should do but what happens after this year do I then come back to Notts or stay in Preston. So even when I have a decision made for me and I want it am I still not happy. Its amazing how Life is like this and the different ways people deal with things. Just remember God will Help!!!

What are you looking for (John 20 verse 1-7 & 10-17)

What are you looking for?

So this is first blog that is specifically written around one my favourite stories in the bible. In the bible the title says The Empty Tomb.

I've had some dark days in my life without asking God to help me through them. But after reading this story I can't not ask God for help when this get down.

The one thing I've taken from the story is that you have to ask God for help and as soon as he says your name, everything will change. But he will only say your name when you ask! Verse 15 Jesus has to ask Mary who she's looking for before he can tell her that he's not the gardener. Jesus had to ask Mary Magdalene who she was looking for before he could answer.

What you have to remember is it doesn't matter how messed up you are, how far you feel away from God, how alone you feel. God will answer you. In verse 15 Mary's response to Jesus is " Sir if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him and I will go and get him". Mary wasn't big enough to bring Jesus back but there was something about this dead man that she had to see just one last time. At some point during that Jesus would have had to of stopped all time and space to return to his Father to say let me say her name, She's weeping and I need to let her know that everything is ok.

I remember a time when I felt so far away from God, pretty much screaming his name to help me and its only when I admitted from the bottom of my heart that I needed him he said my name. He Said My Name.

A lot of of us sometimes feel like we have to see Jesus to confirm that he's there, that we, like Thomas verse 25, have to see the nail holes in his hands. But think about Moses and the burning bush, there were signs but he never waited to see God, he heard God and a lot of us don't listen because we want the physical presence instead of spiritual presence.

So here's the question for you: What Are You Looking For?
I don't mean this stuff: money, popularity, good looks.
I mean: a saviour, love, a family.

So What Are You Looking For?

Inspiration Number 1 Rebecca.

Until this year I had a cousin called Rebecca. Her story is a sad one but its one that has inspired me since her passing. She was 24 when she was diagnosed with brain cancer and was only given two years to live. A lot of people would think that this would be sad and yes I do miss her, however, she always looked at life with a positive outlook. Shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer she was determined that she would see her 30th birthday. This was her main objective. This would mean shed have to live longer then those 2 years that they'd given to her.

I remember the fateful day that I was told about it and not feeling like I was close to god at the time didn't seem to help. Ever since that day her determination never stopped. I suppose somewhere someone prayer for her and looking back I might have done too. I never saw her that often but I remembered one time that I did see her 2 years later. It was strange to see that this young lady who had lovely hair and a slim figure to change so quickly. When I saw her shed lost this lovely hair and the slim figure but it was definitely her. That smile and the way that she talked.

Looking back it was sad to say that was the last time I saw her a live. I went off to university up north and Rebecca became weaker and weaker. Then the fateful day came. I remember it well I was out with friends celebrating what one of them had achieved. I got the text on the way to the first event. The first event couldn't of been a better way of taking out my frustration that a young lady had been taken away from us at such a young age. At least there was one good piece of news. shed gone quietly in her sleep and that she was no longer suffering.

I remember the funeral like it was yesterday, the songs were perfect for her: Aerosmith, I Don't Want to Miss a Thing and Bon Jovi, Bed of Roses. Two beautiful songs for a beautiful family member. Even though she's know longer with us she's had a massive impact on inspiring me. Although that's not the end of the story.

The bad news is she passed away when she was 28, four years had passed since she had been given the cancer news but she never gave up on trying to reach 30. The moral of the story that I've got is that: never give up, even if it seems impossible because even the word impossible has the word possible in it. Look in the bible at David and Goliath did David give up. No. Look at Roger Banister no one said he could run a mile in under 4 minutes but he did.

Just because it seems impossible doesn't mean that it is with God. Everything is possible and he'll tell you what's possible.

University, Friends and Religion.

I started my third year of university in September. I knew it would be hard knowing the fact I was in my final year and that I was moving from just outside of Preston to the main campus. Talk about awkwardness. Knowing that I was a third year but feeling like a fresher, not knowing anyone in my selected modules and not knowing the lecturers as I had at Myerscough. the first week came round pretty quickly and time dragged that week. It took the Mic.

Everything felt like it had changed and I was ready that week to walk out on university and return to the place where my family was....... home. But something seemed to change after that week, It was like the lecturers knew what we were going to say, whatever we said they agreed with. the main problem I had was telling the course leader that I had an operation and that I wasn't going to be doing practical for a while and I prayed about it with a friend at church, knowing that if he said no to me being on the course then I'd be bound for Nottingham. To my surprise he advised I took more time off then the hospital had given to me. success number 1.

So after feeling like that fresher again it was time to bite the bullet and make the new friends like I had done in the first year, and like last year double the amount of work I did and the amount of time I would be in the library. Well so far that's going to plan. the friends is going all right too but it hasn't been with its ups and downs. Helping them with work or just socialising with them. But in retrospect its my old friends that have come through for me.

The Myerscough friends I'd made really seems to of helped me this year, knowing that we all have that safety net to fall back on knowing that we'd help each other out. knowing that the big piece of work I've got for one module is going better then I expected. Knowing that your friends come to you for advice, help and comfort boosted me trough first few weeks, having people during the summer having people asking me when are you coming back home to Preston, I even had someone declare to me that Preston was and is my home.

I had someone who has helped me a lot during my time at university and during my church time up here. I think if he wasn't here now, I wouldn't be in Preston. University would of finished after second year and I'm proud to say he's my friends and a fellow Christian a lot of people underestimate the unimportance of religion but its saved my life, my university life and my friends.

Baptism

I was planning on writing this later on but with the baptisms service at LCC coming up in about 3 weeks I thought I may as well right it now. I got baptised on April the 1st, and I got baptised after midday :). This is my story as to why I got baptised. I'd been a christian all my life, but when I was 14 and put in hospital I decided that he wouldn't of allowed this to happen and so I found refuge in cricket. As people know cricket is a summer sport so when that finished I found myself back at church again. The months after that were great getting back in touch with God and praying and reading the bible but however this all stopped again when the following season came around. After that season I went back to church yet again and found the same experience that I had before, only this time I got more involved. I was now on the PA sound team. Doing that was great, I 've always worshipped more to God through music so being involved in that boast my relationship with him. Soon after I was asked to help out with another sound system was a group of christian singers so of course I said yes. About a year after doing this sound system for this group of christian singers they asked me to join and play my guitar for them. I was over the moon to be playing christian music in a christian band. The best thing about this was it didn't get interrupted by cricket, all practices were at night and so were the gigs so I could continue doing the two things I enjoyed the most. Praising god and playing cricket.

Unfortanatly the group decided to go there own separate ways  about a year after I joined. but at least I still had my church sound system to work on. I continued going to church and doing the sound system. I then had a massive choice soon after, join the worship band or continue playing cricket. The best thing I could think of was putting off the music band until after the season. The season came and went and during that time I decided to apply for a place at university for some unknown reason to me I had said previously that I didnt want to go and that the police force was my calling. September drew upon me quickly and with my university place in the balance te worship leader once again asked me to join the band after he'd seen me in a charity concert. Once again another hard decision faced me. I decided I needed to carefully think about it with in the next week. The next week had come and gone and before I knew it I was on my way to university. My place was comfirmed and so the place in the band had to wait.

When I came up to university I found a bible in my room, I decided I wasn't going to take mine as there was unexplained happenings in my life that I needed to know before I picked it up again. I dedicated a song to my grandad when he departed us and he seemed to watching down on me, when ever I got angry or annoyed his song would come on and even to this day I still look up at the sky and say "thanks grandad". He seemed to be looking down on me and my every move. I then picked up the bible again I decided that I had to find a church but it felt like i was in the middle of nowhere so I listened to music and prayed more. When second year came I joined the Christian Union with my mate and 4 days later was on my way to a church. I had this plan to go to a different church for 4 or 5 weeks to see what other churches were like. I turned up on my first week and i never looked back.

I continued going to the same church and made a lot of close friends. Towards Christmas I had felt something that I'd never felt at church before, it felt like Christ was living inside me. Every word of the gospel and songs seemed to reach out and touch me and so over the Christmas period I had a long hard think about baptism. I returned after Christmas to the church once again and the same thing happened, God was with me and I knew then I had to get baptised. The build up to my baptism became very hard with events in my life and even on trips away it seemed to follow me everywhere. I remember this one trip away where everyone prayed for the problem that had happened and the spirit of the lord went through me and stayed deep inside of me but i was so touched to see so many people willing to pray for me. That was I think the most testing time of my life, it confirmed to me that I wanted to become totally Christ centred.

When the ceremony arrived on the baptism day, I remember the drive up in the lovely sunshine. Cruising along the motorway dodging the road works and other cars until we finally arrived at church. I remember talking to someone about whether I was going to write something down to read out on stage but I decided to go off the top of my head. Which looking back was a mistake. I had a check list in my head of who I wanted to say thanks too but when it came to it I could only remember a few of them, although I did thanks the closest to me. We got in to the pool to be baptised and just before the questions came the person baptising me said to shout my answer out. So on the first one I did, he spoke to me again and said the same thing, shout it out and yet again I did. On the third occasion he said go for it so at the top of my voice and in my best Churchill impression I answered with "OH YES" I'm pretty sure the crowd will remember the day getting them smiling with every answer I gave.

My Hernia. Read with a cuppa.

Ever since  got diagnosed with my hernia loads of people have asked two questions the most. 1) how'd you get it? and 2) How'd you know you'd get it. this was usually followed by " a hernia at you age". Now I know that at 21 its unusual for anyone of that age to get a hernia but like most malfunctions in the body it can happen at any age.

I first noticed the hernia one morning when going for a shower and like a normal bloke I ignored it. in the build up to finding it I had times where I was in total agony and on one occasion I end up on all falls after collapsing in pain. My first rule for injuries in particular is if it affects my cricket then something has to be done about it. Which in case could of cased more damaged and a longer lay off. it happened to be 3 months after I first notice the swelling where my hernia was that I then took noticed. I remember the game well as it was the first game in 3 weeks which I started to feel a lot of pain and discomfort. however I still carried on playing in that match. running up and balling 10 overs pretty much straight through with the odd stoppage to try and get rid of the pain. my investigation in to the lump got more in serious when I struggle to run in the same game. Something had to be done!!!!

4 days after that game I finally got in to the doctors to which he confirmed it was an inguinal hernia which could become more serious if the intestines carried on moving in to a strangulated hernia. My doctor gave me the news that I couldn't work and couldn't play sport but I could still umpire and score, which at least was some good news if anything. So taking my doctors advice on I played that night in the evening league match. which looking back was the best of things to do. towards the end I over stretched for a ball that shot over my head to which my wall muscle stiffened and contracted which then pulled on the intestines which had gone through the middle of the muscle. that confirmed to me that my season for the moment was over.

A few weeks down the line came pre op which I'll never forget, the doctor got me on the bed and was looking at the hernia she said "does it go back in if you push it in" I said no I knew how much pain I'd be in if she pushed it back in, i found that out myself!!!!!! So doing what she had said she tried to push it back in. now if he head had stayed where it was we'd had one less doctor in Nottingham, my knee shot up because of the pain and came up with such speed it would of connected with her temple.

Then came the operation day, it was 3 days after my mates wedding and 2 weeks before my holiday which was good timing. I'd never had an operation before but the nerves didn't show, I had a good laugh with he doctors and nurses. I also found at the you cant be allergic to hard work. I had the gas and the next thing i remember was being woken up shivering. after being moved to the ward the nurse said would you like tea and toast and my normal self came out I'd prefer a pint of lager and a bacon butty. I soon found out that not on the NHS menu so tea and toast it was. After 8 rounds of toast and 4 cups of tea later and after getting help to do basic stuff like getting changed came the had bit.............Walking.

Soon after I was allowed to go but before I did I asked the doctor 2 questions that seriously needed answering 1) was it a weak spot in the muscle or had I torn it. he confirmed that it was a weak sport that I could of had since birth and 2)  What about the other side?. Ge confirmed that he couldn't see anything and I had to continue to rest which is hard to do. I'm happy to say the recovery is going well however I still cant do some of the stuff I want to do.

Dreams and Bucket Lists

I was going to try and limit my blog writing to once a week but since I've got time on my hands I thought I'd write the 2nd one this week.

I was talking to some friends of mine about their bucket lists as well as mine. I decided that after the fantastic year I had at Longton that I should write one myself. I could only think of 7 points to put on it but then I took a step back and looked at life and thought some things on my bucket list are life changing events, some that I wont complete this year, others that will come and go.

I decided to share my short list of things to do with readers of my blog.

Go to 5 football matches
Get a 2:1 at university
Try and get involved more in the youth work at church
Get a local work placement
Do at least 6 inside out projects
Visit the National Rail Museum.

Now I know its not the most exciting list of all but to me tee things are really important to me as a Christian and as a friend. the one I haven't put in that list up there is the final point for this year but it also happens to be a point that's on every bucket list I make from now on and that I can to be more faithful to God. Now a lot of non believers that read this will just say pray more or go to church more but staying faithful to God is so much harder then that. its following in his foot steps everyday, listening to his work, being the best I can be for him and showing everyone what the true meaning of Christianity is.

How ever there is also 1 massive dream that I have, like everyone else I too that have desire to complete an achievement in my life that I want to do. now its an achievement I cant do at the moment things like the cost, the timing, and logistics of it don't fit but I'm hoping that in two years time after I've completed university that I will be able to go to Australia to coach and play cricket for 6 months. not only will this help my complete my ultimate dream but it'll help develop my career and boast all my skills at the moment. although while I write this one thought has occurred to me, at some point in the future i want to do a summer soccer with Longton in Seattle .

So why not take 5 minutes and write a bucket list for yourself for this year my list at the moment isn't that long, but over the coming weeks and months I know that my list will grow and things will start to be crossed off on it.

Who would of thought........

Who would of thought that 3 years ago I'd be going in to my third year at university, got a foundation degree, and living with one of my best mates. If someone had offered me that 3 years ago I certainly would of taken it. So far it has been the best 2 and a half years of my life, not only have I made some amazing and caring friends but it feels like I'm grown up...... slowly but surely I've grown up (although some of you would this different).

The past year feels like the most important of my life, going in to my second year at university, joining Longton Community Church, getting baptised, celebrating my 21st, being elected a vice captain, getting injured, having my first ever operation, graduation and finally getting the outstanding student award from my course. But my year has had more then just those major points in it and it would of happened if I hadn't been rejected from Nottingham Trent University.

I was 18 and got rejected from Nottingham Trent so I decided to take a year out and didn't do anything special with it, I just worked, and then by some luck my mum found an article in the paper in the worlds greatest newspaper ever........... The Sun. It was a course coaching cricket which was right up my street and with only two universities doing the course there was a slim chance of getting on but if you believe then good things will happen so I applied.

Funny enough just before the interview in a freak accident I received a cricket ball to the eye and turned up for my interview a few days later (after a trip to A and E to get stitched up) to have this interview. Half way through the interview the interviewer finally asked the question I was expecting, "how did you get a black eye, was it fighting" and after telling her it was from sport everyone was relieved.

So from that very day I was offered the place on the course which I took and after some more ups and downs regarding the course I finally ended up on sports coaching and thus tried never to look back and in a weeks time I will become a third year :)